inspirational.

It’s nice to know that even when you decide you’re a freak and you’re scared to move fast with a boy, this boy will not run in the other direction. He will stay and be brave and take your hand and say we can go as slow as you want babe. Don’t worry its going to be ok and I'm scared too. So nice to have him text you for a whole two days while your on vacation and tell you how much he already misses you even when you have only known this boy for a few short months. He is sweet. He is good for me. As much as I have not been thanking god and asking him for help, he sure knows what I need in my life and when, even when I choose not to put my trust in him.

This boy helped me find myself again without even knowing it. He is so much like me and he has helped me remember who I am. I am not that girl. The mean one who puts others down to make herself feel better. The racist girl who gets mad at the smallest most insignificant things. That was him, not you. It was never you. Thank you boy for coming in to my life and helping me get back to who I was. Before I ever even knew him. For so long I tried to pretend like he hadn't changed me. Like he hadn't affected my life in every way possible. But he had. He had seeped into my soul. Everything I had thought, everything I believed. I relied so much on him to make me happy. It was cult like, and terrifying to think that could have been my whole life. Wrapped up in one person so tight, losing more and more of myself every day. Eating, drinking him in every day, what he thought and did became part of me too.

Fast forward to today. Great day. Love myself for me. I think and feel what I want to feel, good or bad. Agreeable or not. This is my life, and its time for me to start living it. Three years is a long time, yes, but its not forever.

...

how is it that in one instant you can feel so totally safe and in love and the next minute, its gone, and replaced with a scary sad dark empty pit at the bottom of your stomach? i will tell you how. when your a stupid girl who has no idea what she wants and puts herself in situations where a boy will like her, then is fickle or scared or freaked out and turns this cute sweet wonderful boy away because she is more scared of committment then she ever will be of being alone.

she is scared that somehow things will end up like her parents. 23 years of happy marraige and there is a bump in the road and everything is now askew. but you should never look at someone eles relationship and compare it to your own. everything will work itself out she says as she looks at wedding pictures of a friend she hardly knew in high school and it brings tears to her eyes. all i want is that happiness and yet i am choosing to run in the other direction when i meet anyone who i could really see making me happy for the rest of my life. anyone being one boy in particular who has some of the greatest qualities she has ever seen in a man. Honesty, loyalty, compassion, love for my family.... this list is endless. and except for a few small things he is everything i have ever wanted in a man to marry. and somehow i need more time, more space, more distance between us then ever because i just cant make up my mind. im falling in love with him. i want so bad for my life to be happy forever, yet i keep making choices that would prove otherwise.

gotta get this mind made up.