he can heal you

At 22 years old should you have your life figured out? Or at least know if you can truly love the one you’re with for time and all eternity? Why do I always have to question and doubt everything? I think that’s one thing God has because I can’t trust in the people I'm with or even in God, and I know with all my heart that I should trust in him. Put every ounce of effort into trusting him and letting him into my life to truly test me, to help me rely on him more than anyone or anything else in my life.

I feel like I’m about to parachute out of a plane and I'm so terrified that it’s not going to work out and I’m holding on with everything I have. I don’t want to let go, but I want to give my life to something good and right and true. It is taking everything I have to trust in him, and for the first time in my whole life free fall. Let go of the past for one, and move forward to something I have never experienced before. It’s the unknown, and it’s terrifying. To know that I have never experienced what I’m about to experience. But haven’t I done that my whole life? When I went to school for the first time, or when I moved away to college, or when I dated someone who no one supported me being with? I have been at this point before, it’s just a little different...
Its ok, he says, I will help you. I will lead the way. All you need to do is follow in these footsteps I have made for you. I love you more than you will ever know in this life and you can do this, whether that’s go on a mission, get married, or go back to school. Use the tools and the help that I have given you. I will always provide for you and you will never fall.

And that is how much he loves me. He puts people in my life that can see my potential and all my faults and love me all the same for it. Being with this family and this wonderful boy is no coincidence and I will never ever doubt his power and his hand in my life ever again.

I will never doubt your love for me again. I hope that I can become a better person and that I can show others love and kindness that you would want to give them yourself, if you were here. My life is forever changed, and I know you love me, and love everyone on this earth.

inspirational.

It’s nice to know that even when you decide you’re a freak and you’re scared to move fast with a boy, this boy will not run in the other direction. He will stay and be brave and take your hand and say we can go as slow as you want babe. Don’t worry its going to be ok and I'm scared too. So nice to have him text you for a whole two days while your on vacation and tell you how much he already misses you even when you have only known this boy for a few short months. He is sweet. He is good for me. As much as I have not been thanking god and asking him for help, he sure knows what I need in my life and when, even when I choose not to put my trust in him.

This boy helped me find myself again without even knowing it. He is so much like me and he has helped me remember who I am. I am not that girl. The mean one who puts others down to make herself feel better. The racist girl who gets mad at the smallest most insignificant things. That was him, not you. It was never you. Thank you boy for coming in to my life and helping me get back to who I was. Before I ever even knew him. For so long I tried to pretend like he hadn't changed me. Like he hadn't affected my life in every way possible. But he had. He had seeped into my soul. Everything I had thought, everything I believed. I relied so much on him to make me happy. It was cult like, and terrifying to think that could have been my whole life. Wrapped up in one person so tight, losing more and more of myself every day. Eating, drinking him in every day, what he thought and did became part of me too.

Fast forward to today. Great day. Love myself for me. I think and feel what I want to feel, good or bad. Agreeable or not. This is my life, and its time for me to start living it. Three years is a long time, yes, but its not forever.

...

how is it that in one instant you can feel so totally safe and in love and the next minute, its gone, and replaced with a scary sad dark empty pit at the bottom of your stomach? i will tell you how. when your a stupid girl who has no idea what she wants and puts herself in situations where a boy will like her, then is fickle or scared or freaked out and turns this cute sweet wonderful boy away because she is more scared of committment then she ever will be of being alone.

she is scared that somehow things will end up like her parents. 23 years of happy marraige and there is a bump in the road and everything is now askew. but you should never look at someone eles relationship and compare it to your own. everything will work itself out she says as she looks at wedding pictures of a friend she hardly knew in high school and it brings tears to her eyes. all i want is that happiness and yet i am choosing to run in the other direction when i meet anyone who i could really see making me happy for the rest of my life. anyone being one boy in particular who has some of the greatest qualities she has ever seen in a man. Honesty, loyalty, compassion, love for my family.... this list is endless. and except for a few small things he is everything i have ever wanted in a man to marry. and somehow i need more time, more space, more distance between us then ever because i just cant make up my mind. im falling in love with him. i want so bad for my life to be happy forever, yet i keep making choices that would prove otherwise.

gotta get this mind made up.

Week (not end) update!

Just thought i would do an update, not sure if anyone even reads this, but its probably better that you dont hahah

Spring Break!

So spring break was fun! It was fun to be able to come home and get re-charged and ready for the final weeks of school! Its crazy to think I only have 6 more full weeks of school up here and then I'm done. It really has gone by so fast! I was so sad when I came up here, I thought I would be up here for what seemed like forever! Now its coming to an end so fast! It's crazy!

I did a lot of hanging around the house over spring break, hanging with Marsh and reading. I also took a bath almost every single day i was home, because baths might be my favorite thing to do. And they will never let me down haha! but seriously! i love baths, and we dont have a bath tub in logan so i have been pretty deprived!

I really had a good spring break! I had a fun time being home!

This is my little Frankles!

He falls over sometimes when you set him up, haha!

He has discovered his fingers and loves to chew them

And he is so happy! :)

This is my handsome friend Travis! He took me to Iggy's over spring break!

He is great!

We won us some vampire teef!

Marsh and I babysat for Ali this week!

as you can see, we are pretty excited lol

Marsh got a hair cut a few days after these pictures too, so take in the shag now.

Franky LOVES Marshall! He loves to look at him and just be near him!

He is the happies baby!

Marsh can always make Franky smile!

My two favorite boys!

Franky was tryin to grab on to Marshalls face!

spring breakkk

So i am home for spring break and it has been really fun to be home, and take a break from school and the stress of grades and the cold of Logan. I quit my sushi job, and now i make no money in L

things have changed for me. and thats ok.

So, this guy is James from Twilight! Holy crap, hes really hot! : ) so i thought i would let you see how hot he is haha

so school is pretty great. I never thought there would come a day where I actually enjoyed school. It’s challenging and really fun. I really have the BEST roommates ever. No battle. Today started out just like any other day, except for I was in a really bad mood. I don’t even really know why. So I got to my class (which happened to be calculus) and I understood everything the teacher taught us. AND I didn’t even have my book! Yeah, incredible I know ha-ha I was like woo hoo! :) Then, as I was walking home, I turned on my iPod and clicked the shuffle button. And lo and behold, Panic! At the disco starts playing, and honest to goodness, it made me so happy! lol, I really don’t even know why, just the song was all happy and really just made me feel good. I know, I’m probably going to be made fun of for this, but I couldn’t stop smiling, it was making me THAT happy! So happy, that I freaking started skipping, and then realized I was on a COLLEGE campus, and that people might think I was mentally handicap lol! it was great.

So, that’s how great life is right now, Panic! at the disco can change your mood. You know you’re in a good place when ONE song can freakin change your whole outlook on the day. Hmm maybe im weird but at least I’m happy right? :) I love school, and my family and my life in general. Life is good. It’s too short to be sad